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They’re all stories from when I became an adult: One time I didn’t have any cash and ended up buying a Original I Still Hate Commies Even After They Changed Their Name To Liberals Shirt from the newly opened 24hr Apple Store to give to my friends dealer. That same visit, as I was leaving I was in the passenger seat rolling joints for the road when the driver got lost, ended up next to a police station and then pulled up to a cop and asked for directions. He came right up to my window and gave us step-by-step instructions to get out of the city. This was way before weed was legal and/or generally accepted. One time I was staying at a friends in Queens for new years and drunkenly got locked out with my girlfriend, but I was only in my boxers. Since we were both drunk I decided I would climb up to the window we think was unlocked and get in through there. I’m not a strong man, it was not easy, and when I got to the window I realized all of my friends prized Moroccan dishware was sitting on the ledge just inside, so I had to move it all while my legs hung out the window, balls flopping in the wind, freezing as fuck, it was like being in a dadbod version of one of those obstacle course shows, but I got finally got in. That same trip my cousin threw up behind the front door of The Standard then walked around and was greeted by Debbie Harry (Blondie). My most recent trip was accidental and awesome, it was supposed to be a layover in LaGuardia but my original flight was delayed. Turns out being nice to the airline ladies after a whole line of yelling douchebags will get you places, like a sweet downtown hotel and rebooking for a much later next day flight out. Spent the day getting drunk and high with my local friends and then went on my merry way, it was great!
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